It's My Birthday...

And I'll cry if I want to. This year, I am choosing to celebrate... or so I thought...

This year I'm being very intentional on how I spend my "birth"day. Forty-eight years and it has been a roller coaster of birthdays. Being a child I remember not liking my birthday being in January. Living in New York, it was cold and made it hard to have a pool party. As I got older I started to choose to have my birthday "party" in the summer to make it fun at our home pool. As a young adult and until recently, I've noticed how each year it becomes its own thing... how feelings and emotions, diverse and varied, complex and messy, arise as each January approaches.

A couple of years ago, a friend shared with me that my birthday is actually a holy day, however not being a religious person, this makes it hard to subscribed to it being "special." I often think of how special my children's birthdays are to me, what it has meant to me to literally birth them into this world. And yet as my birthday comes, I think about my birth mother birthing me into this world. However, I don't know who she is, where she is or why I was given up for adoption... or, as I'm recently learning, the circumstances around my birth... I was child trafficked.

As my umbilical cord was cut, I was severed from my mother, the woman who grew me in her womb, the woman who kept me safe inside her, who provided warmth, nutrients and oxygen, providing all I need to literally be created. And then, she was gone. I have no understanding of why. I was in an orphanage for 7 months while I waited for legal paperwork, documents and passports to be processed. Then on July 30th, I arrived by flight to JFK airport to be "dropped off" to the United States, like a mail delivery. Adopted by a New York couple, who was ecstatic to welcome me into their lives and their home... for the three of us to become a family. This is where grief meets love, called Adoption.

Disenfranchised grief.

Loss and Love.

Duality.

Reality.

Layered.

Complex.

Unseen.

Misunderstood.

Silenced.

For decades now, I have tried to come to terms with all this, why there are so many feelings and emotions around this and why each year it continues to feel "so much." I envy those who can just celebrate their birthdays like it's just a wonderful day of cake, balloons and fun. I look forward to the day, I too, can experience that.

As the weeks led up to today, I made a conscious, intentional decision to "celebrate" my birthday and step into it with a uplifted and positive mindset, owning that this is the day I came earth side and for that reason alone, there is so much to be celebrated. I am in a place in my life, where I truly feel blessed. Living my life in a way that finally feels aligned, on land that is peaceful and abundant, surrounded by friends that are authentic and divine, loved and held by my spouse that holds the depth I need and desire. However, this morning I woke up feeling unsettled. The clouds were dark and gloomy, the air is misty and oddly warm for January and the heaviness that weighs from the clouds above, carries down into my heart. I found myself in tears in my dental appointment. No place to spend a birthday, but this is adulting, no so much fun. As I lay on my couch impatiently waiting for the lidocaine to wear off, tears welled up again and I allowed myself to feel, in the safety of my home and the space my spouse holds. Last year, I told myself I wanted to spend this birthday in Colombia, where I was born. As this past year unfolded and I took the courageous steps to attempt to find my birth mother, the reality of this feat started to unfold and the prayers I had been praying, have not delivered the way I had hoped.

As the texts, messages and gifts find me today, I have to remind myself of the many blessings and love that holds and surrounds me, I truly am appreciative of it all. However this year, I think the gift that seems most appropriate is not for me to receive, but something I feel I need to share with others. The gift of being witnessed.

Duality as truth. Two things can be AND are true. I suffered a traumatic severing and loss of my birth mother when I was born AND my adoptive parents adopted me, LOVE me and me coming into their lives was a beautiful and life changing time for them worthy of celebration. Every year on my birthday I will be reminded of this, feel it to my core and have to navigate this truth over and over.

Every year that I am blessed to be alive and breathing, will be another opportunity for me to learn, grow and continue to navigate this with compassion, grace and love for myself.

Happy Birthday to ME!